My plan for the past three weeks was to make my next blog post more light and uplifting, I wanted to write about something positive. No matter how many times I tried to write the post, I just couldn’t come up with the words to say. Today, after quiet time with God, the words that He wanted me to share came to me easily.
I have spent the past few weeks trying to be strong, dealing with a lot of chaos and uncertainty, and loving and supporting everyone around me. This morning I hit a wall, I was overwhelmed and felt hopeless. I started praying and had a moment of surrender to God and realized that I was trying to do this on my own…. Again. I had to humble myself and accept again that my plan is not God’s plan. I could no longer shut out the pain and sadness that I had been trying to push away for the past few weeks and had to allow myself to grieve again. In that moment, I felt God’s grace and I was reminded that it’s OK not to be OK. I was trying so hard to be OK and I reached the point of being too exhausted to do it on my own.
That struggle sums up what my life has been like for the past almost 11 months. It has been a battle of being honest with how hard it was to bury my oldest child and live without him here and being stubborn and trying to convince myself and everyone around me that I am OK. So, here is the truth….I am not OK and I won’t truly be OK until I get to Heaven. Derek’s life was taken too soon and he is no longer walking the Earth like he should be. It feels so wrong to continue living life without him here but I have no choice. I long for my old life back, the one that was so simple when I reflect on it. Do I have reasons to smile now, yes. Do I have a good husband and three wonderful children still here with me, yes. Do I have family and friends that love and support me, yes. Do I have daily blessings in my life, yes. Do I have a Heavenly Father to rely on to carry me on this journey, yes. It is still so hard.
The simple things in life are no longer simple without Derek here and I am not OK with that. Saying “table for five” at a restaurant is painful, we are a family of six and he should be here. Watching his friends beginning their senior year in college hurts, he should be there with them. Taking a family picture without him just feels wrong, he should be with us. Having a daughter turn 20, the age that Derek was when he left for Heaven was painful, my younger kids should still have their big brother here. Every time I am asked the now dreaded question, “How many children do you have?”, I feel like I get punched in the stomach. The change in temperature as Fall is getting close causes me to panic sometimes because it is a reminder of that morning in October. The list goes on and on of the simple things that will continue to be difficult without Derek here. This morning I was reminded that I can’t be stubborn and try to face these hard days and weeks alone, I have to trust and lean on Him to help me through each difficult moment.
Thank you Lord for the reminder once again to trust you to carry me everyday but especially on the hard days.
“Trust in the Lord will all you heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him and he will make your paths straight” Proverbs 3:5-7